French the Llama!

"Here's a little bit of advice to help you navigate pop culture: most good songs written about sex were written by people who have been doing it for years and have become really good at it - older people. The songs about sex by bands like One Direction are all bullshit. If those songs conveyed any honesty whatsoever, they wold sound like this:

"I tried something with my hand once
and my partner didn't seem to like it
and I spent the next thirty minutes apologizing profusely"

But you'll never hear a song like that 'cause no one wants to be honest and keep it realzies."